It’s so difficult to describe [depression] to someone who’s never been there, because it’s not sadness; but it’s that cold lack of feeling — that really hollowed-out feeling. – J. K. Rowling
Depression has finally end up part of everyday conversation, which is an amazing feat considering that talking about depression was considered taboo, even a few years back. This change has probably happen because over 340 million people all over the world are living with depression, and also the World Health Organization has said that it is one of the “leading causes of disability” among the population.
Every day, you hear of people taking their lives simply because they were suffering from depression. You learn about self-harm and isolation and anxiety and accidents and thus many terrible things, with depression at the root of it all. Some would call this the coward's way out- that the individuals who couldn't survive depression were escapists. But is it really that easy, to be able to tell yourself “No, I will not give up” and continue combating something that will forever be around you?
Most definitely not. Depression is possibly one of the most misunderstood ailments ever. I am tired of people coming up to me and asking me to “cheer up.” I'm tired of people thinking it is okay to trivialize my condition. I'm tired of people thinking that this really is something I can “get over.” I'm tired, period.
Depression is a many-headed chimera that sleeps dormant inside you. It lingers in the deep recesses of your mind, and wakes up and strikes entirely force, leaving you debilitated when you are least expecting it. After a point of time, you simply get accustomed to the attacks, and ponder whether there is a way you can expel this monster that you know is constantly inside you.
Before you ask someone living with depression to “cheer up”, imagine a state in which you can't sleep during the night, and you're simply constantly tired during the day. You do not care about anything in the world, nothing affects you, but somehow, you are affected by everything. When you lie down, you feel like someone is standing on your chest, and you can't seem to remember how to breathe. It's so overwhelming, that you don't know what else to do, other than break down crying, and cry incessantly thereafter. Is it quite possible to “cheer up” from a constant state of trepidation, self-loathing, self-doubt, low self-esteem and panic?
Depression is not a choice. On 23rd March, 2021, I'd a very important exam at school. It had been an exam that I had been preparing for, for over a month. I was always very particular about my studies, and made sure I stayed on top of my class consistently throughout my stint at school. The day before the exam, I ensured I got a good night's rest. The following morning, I couldn't get up from bed. I could not move my limbs, I couldn't breathe properly, and I couldn't decipher just one thought that was going through my mind at that time. It was like building the strongest house, with the best material, and with all the love and hard-work you can muster, and watching it get amazed after a thunderstorm. I was fully conscious that I was missing the exam while I was at home, eating food from boxes and thinking about each and every decision I have made in my entire life and how I regretted it all.
After on that day, I swore I wouldn't let depression obtain the better of me. I swore which i wouldn't succumb to this sense of being stuck, and would plough on. It has been four years, and I still don't think I would be able to defeat it, if it came to me on a day's crisis.
After living with depression for such a long time, after hearing people dismiss everything I feel, after putting on a brave face for the world and living behind a mask for years and years, I have realized the importance of compassion and empathy. I've finally realized what I need. Expressing that which you feel is very difficult if you have depression for fear of being misunderstood. After a point, you forget how to express anything at all. Even though for the longest time, I thought there was no way to heal from this, no respite and no solution, I figured out what the solution was- understanding. A compassionate acknowledgment of the condition is all that we seek. That is all that we ask for, and it might not lead to us divulging our deepest thoughts and insecurities, however it can give us a space to cry, to scream to stare without becoming self-conscious, and that is all the expression we need. A safe-space to become who we are, to live with this constant weight that we have to deal with, is all that we seek.
Depression is real.
